Hectic Hexen

A week or so ago I announced the Nintendo 64 as the winner of the 'next console I play' poll, listing three potential games to play for the system. Of the three, only two were requested by readers, resulting in a tie (at one vote a piece), so I decided to play the odd man out: Hexen.

I wasn't sure what to expect from this game. The cartridge art told be little more than the game's name, and a quick online search told me it was a sequel to a game called Heretic for the PC.

First things first: I have to hook up my 64 before I can play it! A quick investigation of the back of my TV told me I would need a little assistance, lest I blow up the entirety of the house trying (yes, I am every bit that untalented with technology). With Aaron home for lunch we finally got it working, requiring 10 whole minutes  of fiddling and a trip to the cord closet to work. With the 64 up and running, further digging was needed to find a working controller. Try one controller, unplug it, plug it back in. Take it out and plug in another. Wiggle the connector a bit, take the connector out and blow in it a little, plug it back in. Unplug that controller and plug the first controller back in. Turn the system off and on again. Hey, it works now!

*Memory card full, unable to create Hexen save file*

Wait, memory card? I forgot those were a thing! It's hard to believe how far games have come today, no longer requiring things like memory cards. Several weeks ago I was surprised (or shall I say livid) while playing a game that, unlike modern games, didn't autosave, requiring me to redo about three hours worth of work. *Chuckles* we modern gamers sure are a spoiled lot!

Eventually plugging in a memory card that didn't trigger the error, I could finally start playing. I had a choice of three classes and several difficulty settings, naturally choosing the 'Stick Jockey' class and 'wailing little girl' setting.

The game looks a helluva lot like Doom. It plays like trying to control a large boulder traveling down hill. It was also dark. So dark. Rather than handing me a sword with which to demolish my two-headed S&M wearing foes I was instead left to punch them to death with nothing more than spiked gauntlets and comically over-muscled arms.

Monster to kill? PUNCH IT. Beautiful Gothic stained glass window? PUNCH IT. Hey a door...PUNCH IT!!!!!

Hmm, nothing happened. I wandered aimlessly for about 10 minutes, punching things, running into walls, always coming back to the huge door with the emerald lock no matter what direction I left in. With Aaron's prodding I do finally find a new place inside what I assume is a temple or shrine of some kind. Punch a few Bad guys, punch a few windows, ooo! Here's a lever! PUUUUUUUUNCH!

Hey, I'm punching, why isn't anything happening...Why do you fail me Fists-o-Death? Oh, you activate levers and pulleys...By jumping. Intuitive!

I get the emerald key, open the emerald door and run around some more, with little to zero clue about where I'm going or where I've been. I eventually do figure out what button is the map, but I'm pretty sure that knowledge hurt my progress more than anything. I guess I better save.

*Pause screen*  *Select save game* *G-e-e-k-y-C-a-t*. Now what button do I push to finish and save? Not that one, now I have to re-enter the name. *G-e-e-k-y-C-a-t* still nothing. Aaron tries a few times, with far better results. You have to scroll past all of the letter and number options and select 'end'. INTUITIVE!

*Error. Could not save file*

Huh?

*Error. Could not save file*

Balls. Thankfully there IS an option for a 'temporary save', but according to Aaron it means I have to beat the game in one play through. So what, is it used for temporary checkpoints for when you die? Nope, as I discover 30 minutes later. It isn't. Whelp I'm done.

But you know, I do have a little extra time today...And the 64 is already hooked up...

I can't heeeeeeeeeear yooooooooooooooooou

Tomorrow's Jet Force Gemini kids. Stay tuned!