I'm Done With This Bull

Bam: Me-1, Taurus Demon-like 20.

But it's that '1' that matters, at least in terms of game logic, which is the only type of logic I care to think about.

I finally kicked his furry behind on try number three Monday afternoon, all the while being horrifically reckless.

See, the best way (in my opinion, since that's all that really matters) to start off the fight is to walk slowly toward the other end of the bridge that the fight takes place on, wait for him to drop down, then high-tail it back to the tower you walked in on. Rocket up the ladder to the top of the tower, then jump onto his head blade first like a(n un)living guillotine.

Now, normally I can only manage one of these attacks per attempt, since the set up can be difficult, but I was feeling ballsy today, so I ran back for seconds.

And seconds is what I got. I somehow made it up the ladder untouched, and even more shockingly managed to jump back down before he could join me.

I wasn't done courting dumb, however. In Dark Souls your character's movements actually have a feel of weight behind them, so you can't just button mash your way to victory. This means you have to time your movements out, lest your dodge roll get stuck at the bottom of the action queue, resulting in your guy performing that slash you wanted earlier instead of getting the crap outta there. You also have that pesky stamina bar to worry about.

Aaron's advice to me: run in, attack PRECISELY TWO TIMES, then use my remaining sliver of stamina to roll to safety.

That...that never worked.

See, I am an impatient spaz of a gamer. When things get even a little sticky I mash my buttons into pudding. This is not a sound strategy for Dark Souls.

Today was different. With two fresh lobotomys and a couple of ankle pokes I had the demon on his last...hoofs. But I too was severely weakened, and with little stamina I was forced to make a decision. I lunged for him....

...and missed. I lunged one more time, with no stamina left and a sliver of health I made one last desperate attack...

...and BOOM! Down goes demon!!!

It only gets worse from here, folks, but at least now I have Solaire the sun bro to fight by my side.

Together, we can become just so grossly incandescent...

D&Dice Fails

Music is a magical medium. It can invoke emotions such as sadness or elation. Music can speak volumes when words alone fail to capture the essence of something.

It is to music that I turn to describe Saturday night's Dungeons and Dragons session. Enjoy.

Saturday night will go down in history as the Night of the Crits, and what a night it was.

With most of the party MIA Mat, newcomer Tyler and I were reunited and free to complete a dungeon crawl sans morons (*cough* Kampo and Rafiki *COUGH*). This somehow went worse than if the morons had been present.

See, in D&D players roll a 20 sided dice to determine the outcome of certain actions, like attacking or attempting to stay on the back of a bucking displacer beast. But the 20 sided dice is a fickle creature, and can sometimes land in one of two critical positions: a critical miss, or a '1', or a critical hit, or a '20' on the dice.

"1's" are bad. Like bad-bad.

Criticals of either variety are uncommon at best, with one or the other popping up in a game maybe 2-3 times, max.

Saturday night, between only three players and the Dungeon Master, we had eighteen goddamned criticals. Eight-%#@*ing-teen. That's eight critical hits, mostly for Aaron, and ten critical misses, mostly between Tyler and myself.

It was bullhonky. Buuuuullllllllllhooooooooooonkyyyyyyy.

Let's take a look at a couple of highlights:

Miss: I take a swing at a giant scorpion, face-planting and flinging my maul in the process.
Hit: Said scorpion crit to buck me off.
Miss: A scorpion missed Mat, only to clamp down on his compatriot.
Hit: Tyler smashed a motion-sensing gem into oblivion.
Miss: I took a mighty swing at a Fell Taint, felling a stone pillar instead.
Hit: Tyler perceived ALL of the Fell Taints.
Miss: Upon inspection, Mat determined that a door was in fact a horse. Maybe.

And that was but a taste, people. A painful, stupid taste.