I'm Done With This Bull

Bam: Me-1, Taurus Demon-like 20.

But it's that '1' that matters, at least in terms of game logic, which is the only type of logic I care to think about.

I finally kicked his furry behind on try number three Monday afternoon, all the while being horrifically reckless.

See, the best way (in my opinion, since that's all that really matters) to start off the fight is to walk slowly toward the other end of the bridge that the fight takes place on, wait for him to drop down, then high-tail it back to the tower you walked in on. Rocket up the ladder to the top of the tower, then jump onto his head blade first like a(n un)living guillotine.

Now, normally I can only manage one of these attacks per attempt, since the set up can be difficult, but I was feeling ballsy today, so I ran back for seconds.

And seconds is what I got. I somehow made it up the ladder untouched, and even more shockingly managed to jump back down before he could join me.

I wasn't done courting dumb, however. In Dark Souls your character's movements actually have a feel of weight behind them, so you can't just button mash your way to victory. This means you have to time your movements out, lest your dodge roll get stuck at the bottom of the action queue, resulting in your guy performing that slash you wanted earlier instead of getting the crap outta there. You also have that pesky stamina bar to worry about.

Aaron's advice to me: run in, attack PRECISELY TWO TIMES, then use my remaining sliver of stamina to roll to safety.

That...that never worked.

See, I am an impatient spaz of a gamer. When things get even a little sticky I mash my buttons into pudding. This is not a sound strategy for Dark Souls.

Today was different. With two fresh lobotomys and a couple of ankle pokes I had the demon on his last...hoofs. But I too was severely weakened, and with little stamina I was forced to make a decision. I lunged for him....

...and missed. I lunged one more time, with no stamina left and a sliver of health I made one last desperate attack...

...and BOOM! Down goes demon!!!

It only gets worse from here, folks, but at least now I have Solaire the sun bro to fight by my side.

Together, we can become just so grossly incandescent...