"Fuzzy Pick-" NO! NO PICTURES!

If I were to say one thing, and one thing only about Earthbound, it's that the adults of Eagleland are wildly irresponsible, each and every one.

Yes that sounds like such a minor, almost childish gripe, but man I can't stop noticing it. It's everywhere. Dangerous meteorite landed, resulting in a heavy police presence? Sure my completely underage son! Just go ahead and run outside in the middle of the night, I'm sure nothing will hurt and/or kidnap you. Oh, you now have to leave home and save the world cause a bug told you to? Good luck!!

Oh, you want to run over to the neighboring town? Sure, but you have to FIGHT COPS first, in the police station no less! I can't even wrap my head around that level of stupid...Seriously, I haven't seen parenting or even adulting done this poorly since the early Pokemon games (ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL!?!?!).

That all being said, I am amazed by how quickly I was sucked into this game. Blah blah clever writing blah blah amazing music blah blah, so far it's been everything the fanboy collective claimed. Aesthetics aside, so far it's the game's mechanics that have impressed me more than anything. Rather than waste my time on an enemy far weaker than me, the game completely skips the battle and just awards me the xp. When I buy a new piece of gear superior to what I'm already packing, the clerk straight up offers to take it off my hands (he pays!). Earthbound also has a subtle hint of realism despite it's cartoonish appearance, a fact I find both charming and infuriatingly evil.

So, I breeze past the first town, appropriately (I guess?) called Onette, and after kicking cop-keister I head to Twoson. The open road is a dangerous place, especially for a child...a fact completely lost on everybody, so naturally I get sucker-punched by a walking mushroom. Because, you know, danger. Whatever, I just have a new hat for a while. I'll just head to town and...hey...I told you to go right, why are you going left...now you're going up? NOOOOOOO MY BRAIN BROKE!! My sweet new mushroom hat dug it's roots into my brain and broke it!! Must...get...to...hospital...Go in, no IN, go in the hospital you brain dead idiot! OK I'm in-why did you just walk back out? And of course the doctor doesn't treat brain-shrooms! A few coronaries later I finally figure out it isn't the drugstore (which would make sense) or the doctor (which would make more sense)  who can fix me, but rather the funny looking, shady guy in the hospital with the bad hair. He's magic, or something. Iunno, he got a head-shroom and I got money.

In their continuing theme of outright bizarre behavior, the townspeople inform me that (despite not having the foggiest clue who I am) that I must go fine Paula because...reasons. Through a cave and another bout of fungus brain later, I'm in the happy town of...Happy Happy Town! Of course this level of happy can only have one explanation: Cult. Evil cult, that is. And blue. An evil, blue cult. Evil, blue, but not smart since they went ahead and told me not only who they kidnapped (the girl I'm looking for), but where she is and all that fun stuff. Upon finding Paula she informs me we are destined to saaaaaaaaaaaave the wooooooooooorld, but she can't exactly help from a cell. I am once again left to mull over these people's strange desire to over share just everything with everyone, continuing this thought as I beat the crazy out of the evil blue cult's Grand Bluebah.

Wouldn't you know it, Paula's dad was also missing a few pages from his How to be a Parent handbook, happily sending his freshly kidnapped-then-rescued daughter with a complete (and armed, might I add) stranger.

Lets just hop in this old black van with these washed-up middle-aged men and see where it leads! No such thing as Stranger Danger when you're a hero!

*Plays for two more minutes* What? it didn't lead to our gruesome deaths?...huh, color me surprised....