I'm Done With This Bull

Bam: Me-1, Taurus Demon-like 20.

But it's that '1' that matters, at least in terms of game logic, which is the only type of logic I care to think about.

I finally kicked his furry behind on try number three Monday afternoon, all the while being horrifically reckless.

See, the best way (in my opinion, since that's all that really matters) to start off the fight is to walk slowly toward the other end of the bridge that the fight takes place on, wait for him to drop down, then high-tail it back to the tower you walked in on. Rocket up the ladder to the top of the tower, then jump onto his head blade first like a(n un)living guillotine.

Now, normally I can only manage one of these attacks per attempt, since the set up can be difficult, but I was feeling ballsy today, so I ran back for seconds.

And seconds is what I got. I somehow made it up the ladder untouched, and even more shockingly managed to jump back down before he could join me.

I wasn't done courting dumb, however. In Dark Souls your character's movements actually have a feel of weight behind them, so you can't just button mash your way to victory. This means you have to time your movements out, lest your dodge roll get stuck at the bottom of the action queue, resulting in your guy performing that slash you wanted earlier instead of getting the crap outta there. You also have that pesky stamina bar to worry about.

Aaron's advice to me: run in, attack PRECISELY TWO TIMES, then use my remaining sliver of stamina to roll to safety.

That...that never worked.

See, I am an impatient spaz of a gamer. When things get even a little sticky I mash my buttons into pudding. This is not a sound strategy for Dark Souls.

Today was different. With two fresh lobotomys and a couple of ankle pokes I had the demon on his last...hoofs. But I too was severely weakened, and with little stamina I was forced to make a decision. I lunged for him....

...and missed. I lunged one more time, with no stamina left and a sliver of health I made one last desperate attack...

...and BOOM! Down goes demon!!!

It only gets worse from here, folks, but at least now I have Solaire the sun bro to fight by my side.

Together, we can become just so grossly incandescent...

D&Dice Fails

Music is a magical medium. It can invoke emotions such as sadness or elation. Music can speak volumes when words alone fail to capture the essence of something.

It is to music that I turn to describe Saturday night's Dungeons and Dragons session. Enjoy.

Saturday night will go down in history as the Night of the Crits, and what a night it was.

With most of the party MIA Mat, newcomer Tyler and I were reunited and free to complete a dungeon crawl sans morons (*cough* Kampo and Rafiki *COUGH*). This somehow went worse than if the morons had been present.

See, in D&D players roll a 20 sided dice to determine the outcome of certain actions, like attacking or attempting to stay on the back of a bucking displacer beast. But the 20 sided dice is a fickle creature, and can sometimes land in one of two critical positions: a critical miss, or a '1', or a critical hit, or a '20' on the dice.

"1's" are bad. Like bad-bad.

Criticals of either variety are uncommon at best, with one or the other popping up in a game maybe 2-3 times, max.

Saturday night, between only three players and the Dungeon Master, we had eighteen goddamned criticals. Eight-%#@*ing-teen. That's eight critical hits, mostly for Aaron, and ten critical misses, mostly between Tyler and myself.

It was bullhonky. Buuuuullllllllllhooooooooooonkyyyyyyy.

Let's take a look at a couple of highlights:

Miss: I take a swing at a giant scorpion, face-planting and flinging my maul in the process.
Hit: Said scorpion crit to buck me off.
Miss: A scorpion missed Mat, only to clamp down on his compatriot.
Hit: Tyler smashed a motion-sensing gem into oblivion.
Miss: I took a mighty swing at a Fell Taint, felling a stone pillar instead.
Hit: Tyler perceived ALL of the Fell Taints.
Miss: Upon inspection, Mat determined that a door was in fact a horse. Maybe.

And that was but a taste, people. A painful, stupid taste.

Madness and Money, Payday 2 Part 2

BANG! BANG!

That's not the sound of gunfire, it's the sound of me slamming my head into the wall.

This isn't due to the difficulty or repetitiveness of Payday 2. My self inflicted concussions are because of the derpiness of the PS3 Payday 2 community. Now not all of the players I meet go full retard but it has happened enough that I am afraid it's becoming an epidemic.

My full purpose behind this article was not meant to be a rage filled review. The more I played online the angrier I became. Mission after mission I had to give up on the higher amounts of money due to people charging the front door, ignoring all guards, civilians and going straight for the mission.

Now before I hear people say "What's wrong with that? It's what they're supposed to do."Understand that setting off alarms can make missions harder, longer (that's what she said) and give a bigger chance of failure.

One of the first missions in Payday 2 is a simple bank heist. The players only have to find a way around four guards, cameras and then have to control the handful of civilians in the bank. The players are given a chance to scope out the bank before starting the mission to see where the guards and cameras might be. This is a great time to do any planning. At least that's what I thought until playing with others online.

In my first few matches I played with actual people they just ran in the front door every time like madmen. They would ignore all cameras and guards going straight for the safe, getting the police called on us immediately.

Although really the NPC AI isn't much better. "No, guys, I need to finish my smoke break. Y'all can wait 'til I'm done."

Certainly these other player's veteran level didn't reflect the "madness" that has overcome them. As my level grew so did my distaste for the others that joined me. Time and time again I saw the "madness" creep into their ever so slightly sane head as they start shooting every living creature informing everyone in the city to our position and actions. What was happening to these people?

Why was this happening? Was there something wrong with the community or was there something else possibly following me around causing these people to lose all touch with their sanity?

Check out part three, when a madness of my own arises.

-Aaron

The Do's and Don'ts of makin' Moneeeeeeeeeeey

While we (not so) patiently wait for Aaron to (finally) come up with his Payday 2 Part 2 post, He and I have come up with a miniseries of sorts. 

As you'll (eventually) see in his next post, there are right ways to play and wrong ways, at least to his fussy eyes, something we'll be documenting in the Do's and Don'ts of Payday 2

Enjoy!

D&Dammit Kampo Part 2

Remember how I mentioned this was to be a non-combat encounter? That changed the moment Kampo stabbed Shauna in the face, and a second time as Rafiki stabbed her in the back. For nooooooo reason. None, besides irrational paranoia and a little back-talk.

See, a couple game sessions ago Kampo's bag was stolen from our room at the inn, resulting in his loss of the goopy Goblinoid head as well as his significant supply of cigars and booze. This made Kampo a bit...unbalanced.

Addictions are bad, m'kay?

With the saner members of our merry band off actually doing our job Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Jackass were free to chase the poor woman down the street. Naturally, this caused a commotion in the crowded city streets, what with two crazy men chasing down a bloody and shrieking woman. A commotion the rest of us could hear loud and clear.

I tossed the barrel I had literally just picked up and bolted in the direction of the commotion, as did Karash and the Elves. By the time we reached Shauna she was a bloody mess surrounded by townspeople, with Rafiki and Kampo closing in. Tokkichuu, in a moment of actual brilliance, erected a wall of vines between the stabbers and the stabee.

Karash ran up behind Kampo, picking him up with a bear hug. He proceeded to give Kampo the verbal lashing we had all dreamed of, with Kampo insisting she was 'evil' and 'up to something'. Doesn't matter, we argued: we're mercenaries, and she's giving us money. Doesn't matter what she's 'up to'.

With Kampo seemingly under control Karash 'leads' him back toward the Inn (and away from the general public), with Rafiki close behind, walking past Shauna's already loaded ox drawn wagon.

And this is where the trouble would have ended, had Rafiki not decided to pet the pretty ox.

Ever see Hell break loose? This was pretty similar to that. The Ox and wagon crashed down the streets, slamming into buildings and pedestrians alike. Karash chucked Kampo and jumped on the raging beast. Barrels crashed to the ground and Kampo, sensing an opportunity for who knows what, began cracking them open, ignoring the comrade in mortal peril not five feet from him.

Open a barrel: Papers

Open a barrel: Gold

Open a barrel: More papers

Open a barrel: Even more papers

Open a barrel: A bound, gagged and unconscious body

Well &$%#.

Next time on D&Dumb: The Scarlet Steel try yet again to actually complete a job. Can the party protect their latest patron from Kampo and Rafiki's shenanigans?

D&Dammit Kampo, Part 1

With us this week was yet another fresh faced adventurer, aka D&D noob, Emily.

Our current campaign, as well as any other we've run in the past, uses D&D 4th edition. Now, before you Master Race Pathfinder players and 3.5 advocates get all uppity let me say this: shut up.

Now, admittedly 4th edition can be a bit combat heavy. Just a little. But today was to be a special encounter, Aaron told us: a combat style encounter with, get this: no combat. Sweet.

We started the evening's activities with a visit from the Scarlet Steel head office, an Orcish agent dropping off a new recruit, Emily, aka Eimile, aka 'the other elf'. She was just in time to witness an NPC named Shauna crashing through the tavern doors in desperate need of our particular line of skills: Pack bitches

I had worked with Shauna previously, body guarding, being a sentient mule, the usual boring mercenary stuff. The important thing is she gave me money, and I saw this as an opportunity to claim more of the same. Shauna was desperate, and desperation could give me the edge in payroll negotiations. I grabbed Tokkichuu (Marissa) and the rookie and tailed Shauna outside, with Karash (Mat) and the idiot twins Kampo an Rafiki (John and Jake) hot on our heels.

She needed to get out of town, fast, but first she needed her stuff. Finally, it was my time to shine. No more sitting worthless in narrow hallways. I knew exactly where all her barrels and crates were (since I was the lucky mule that put them there). I sent Karash after some of the barrels, taking the Elves with me, leaving Rafiki and Kampo to do Pelor knows what, probably stand around farting and giggling at each other.

But there was no farting, nor giggling. The moment we left earshot Kampo's inner sociopath woke up for the day to discover Shauna right in front of him.

This is where it gets dumb.

D&Dumb

Last night saw day two of our great quest in our Dungeons and Dragon's campaign and our mercenary group, The Scarlet Steel, ain't exactly off to an epic start.

We started back where we left off: In a dilapidated ruin filled with the now dead tentacle monsters of the week before. John and Jake are taking turns throwing various objects down the giant pit taking up part of the room, from sunrods to urine, waiting for something to jump out and latch onto their faces.

When that fails to entertain them past five minutes we finally begin tackling our greatest quandary: Which door do we check first? With four to chose from and five of us to argue over it little progress is made, until John takes the initiative and runs face first into one of the doors.

Stepping over John's dazed form we discover the door in fact has a handle, though this information helped us little since the damn thing was locked.

Jake, our resident thief, our thief, decides that, like the walls around us, surely the door must also be magical. One failed arcana check later and Jake is convinced that not only is the door magical, but there appears to be a strange symbol upon the door exactly in the shape of John's face. Surely this can mean but one thing.

The prophecies have spoken. John is a god. PRAISE BE TO KAMPO!!!!!

I...I don't even....

It is at this point my character, Mara Ironfist, sulks off to meditate on the level of stupid she just witnessed.

Meanwhile it is agreed upon by the more able-minded among us that perhaps the door's lock and the strange platform over the pit might be related in some way. Maybe. We weren't sure. Mat solved the issue by picking up one of the dead tentacle guys and chucking on top of the platform. A loud kerchunck, or perhaps more of a sheeeeeeeck (many arguments were had over exactly what sound was made) announced the opening of the doors.

Marissa, our Druid, and I barged through the first door, ready to kick ass and chew bubble gum. Sadly we were all out of gum, and sadder still we were blasted by a fire rune for our trouble. Curiosity may not of killed these cats, but it certainly singed our whiskers.

That door sucked, so we tried a different one. This one proved to be far more promising, housing a couple of goblins discussing their baby-dinner plans. Things to kill? Check. Morally sound reason for said killing? Check. Time to party.

And by party I mean watch Mat kill everything. Oh well, at least my maul didn't get dirty.

Pokenoucments

Who doesn't love them some Pokemon? It fills a nerd's baser urges for cute, murderous animals as well as our crippling hoarding habits.

Soul Silver, my most recent attempt to 'catchem' all', was a remake of the original Pokemon Silver, one of the games in the series' second generation.

The Poke-franchise is now six generations deep or whatever, with over 700 of the little bastards to catch. Or something. I seriously lost count.

Anyway, imagine my surprise when I saw the recent announcement that a new remake was on the horizon: Pokemon Omega Ruby and Alpha Sapphire, based off of the third generation of the series.

You're scaring all the Pidgeys away!

When will this stop?

Honestly I love Pokemon, Red was the first video game I ever bought myself. But much like a delicious pepperoni pizza sitting on the counter for a couple days it's beginning to smell and should probably be thrown out lest someone accidentally eat it.

In other news, Geeky Cat's jumping on the Youtubes!!

Ladies and germs, meet Jake, our newest initiate into the Geeky fold! He and Aaron will be playing all sorts of weird and random games, like Attack on Titan, Ace of Spades, and more!

I'll also be throwing in some good old table top madness, with the introduction of our brand new Dungeons and Dragons campaign. Day one started with me standing in various hallways, our good buddy John lying on the ground every other turn, and Jake up there stealing literally our only light sources, for no other reason than because he could.

Methinks this quest has potential.  

Does This Mean We Level Up?

I promised part two of the ACen post today, but in light of recent events (namely me checking the calendar for once) I'm making a substitute post.

It has been 10 years today since Aaron and I set out on the greatest quest of all: Love.

Before you ask, my favorite cheese is mozzarella.

Anyway, this quest has been one wrought with peril. With Goblins nipping at our heels and Dragons BBQing our backsides we've made it to the top of Mount Doom, Mount Danger, and Mount Obviously Evil and back in what most experts would agree is one piece. 

Thank you my dearest Player Two for 10 amazing years. 10 amazing years of gaming and geekery. 

I love you, Aaron, happy anniversary. 

Here's to the rest of our lives.

Aaron's Payday: Part 1

The weekend is a time for barbecues, road trips and relaxing. My weekends consist of cooking meth, robbing banks and killing off cartels. I'm not living in an episode of Breaking Bad, I am just playing Payday 2.

I gotta pay for this bitchin' get-up somehow

Now that I am probably on most government watch lists and this blog and my home is probably under surveillance, let me explain Payday 2. Payday 2 is a 4 player cooperative first person shooter. The player controls one of the four men as they perform crimes all over Washington DC. Players are able to choose from several different jobs including uncovering a corrupt senator, killing off high members of a cartel, robbing a bank and stealing experimental technology. The number of jobs and heists grows with each update that is released.

Payday 2 can be played both as a single player game and an online multiplayer game. While there is no centralized plot to the game other than you are a career criminal, there is a story to each heist you partake in. Each heist wraps up it's story by the end. As I mentioned before there is a job where the person hiring you wishes to uncover a corrupt senator. The job of the player is to then break into an art museum and steal several paintings. The paintings then have cameras installed into them and are sold to the senator's people. Once the paintings are hung in the senator's condo, the player uses the cameras to sneak in, steal personal electronics that have proof and details of illegal arms trading, plant cocaine in the senator's personal vault and steal the senator's illicit gold fund.

Each successful, and sometimes unsuccessful, mission yields money and experience for the player. Experience is used to level up which gives skill points to be used in certain class skills as well as unlocks other weapons and body armor. The money is then used by the player to purchase the new weapons and modifications for them. The money seems to have little use other than allowing the player to respec their skills, purchase items to make jobs easier and purchasing certain jobs to make more money. That's right, the player has to purchase a job from the contractor if they wish to perform a certain heist at a certain difficulty. Otherwise the player sits at the mission screen until they see a job they want to do.

The exciting world of organized crime!

The game does try it's best to disapprove of needless violence. If a player is to injure any civilians they are penalized with a large monetary fine and the game raises the difficulty level. The game does emphasize that no civilians should be harmed which is a feature that most first person shooters either touch lightly on or ignore completely.

Payday 2 is available now on PlayStation 3, Xbox 360 and PC.

Be sure to watch for part two of my look at Payday 2 where we look at my experiences behind the mask.