...I'm...h...a...p...p...y...

While playing Earthbound over the last couple weeks I have asked myself multiple times: Just what is it about this game that drives most players to such obsession over it? I understand liking games, and as far as I could tell Earthbound was a rather good game, if a little frustrating and at times nearly impossible. The art style is cute, the music is amazing, and many of the themes are clever and funny. But none of these things added up enough for me to call it a great game, just a good one. Then I beat the game, and I realized:

Everything about this game has been worth the final fight. 

Everything. All the frustration. All the annoyance. All of it. 

The ending of this game. Where do I even start. Oh, I know, robots. When in doubt, always start with robots...

See, after conquering your nightmares and your own insecurities (literally!), You are now ready to face your foe-o-destiny: Giygas. But you can't just walk up to his lair, knock on the door, and say howdy (with your baseball bat). No, you have to go back in time, to when Giygas was weak and vulnerable. Guess what doesn't handle time travel very well? Soft, squishy huuuuman bodies. So Jeff's father stuffs everyone's spirits into robots, with a hitch: We probably won't be able to switch back. Have fun running to your inevitable deaths kids!

The battle with Giygas takes place in several parts, but they all flow together beautifully. You start off facing Pokey, who now stands not as your annoying jackass neighbor, but as a true evil of the universe. Fittingly, you don't actually beat Pokey. I'm pretty sure I never actually came close to even hurting him. Coward that he is, he simply ends the fight, makes fun of you for a bit, then leaves you to his increasingly volatile master. 

Giygas, you creepy thing you. I just kind of wailed on him for a while. Pokey, being the absolute pain in the ass bastard that he is, interrupts my slugfest to run his mouth a little more. 

"Why not call your mommy, Ness! Say, 'Mommy! Daddy! I'm so frightened! I think I'm gonna wet my pants!' HA HA HA HA HA HA!" Blah blah blah (jerk). 

Know what? That's a great idea. Imma do that. 

Super-robot-telepathy-powers ACTIVATE!

And, frankly, that's exactly what we do. With Ness and Poo keeping the party healed and shielded, Paula prays. Every turn she prays. In the present on earth she is heard by friends, family, and Mr. Saturns alike, with all of the people we helped along the way pouring their own prayers back to us. Even the player (hey, that's me!) gets in on it, adding in their own prayers (actually I wasn't praying. I was button mashing, but, ya know, same thing) to the mix. 

Soon Giygas explodes with the power of love and friendship, and Ness n' friends make it safely back into their bodies (big mistake, always keep the robot body!), and the universe is saved! 

OR IS IT!?!?!?

Gotta love cliffhanger endings. 

I Love you...You love me...

Ok, so maybe I was just having a bad day yesterday, or maybe I just sucked more than usual. But today I flew through Stonehenge Base and beat it's boss, Starman Deluxe, like a redheaded step child that happened to owe me money. *shrugs*

Actually I flew through quite a bit today, more than enough to make up for yesterday's brick wall I found so lovingly in my face. I now feel confident that I can keep my promise of beating Earthbound by the end of the week. Hell, at this rate I'll be done by tomorrow.

Included on today's body count are:

"Goofy looking piece of..."

-Starman Deluxe in Stonehenge Base

-Electro Specter in Lumine Hall

-The Carbon/ Diamond Dog from the Fire Spring

-Thunder and Storm from the Pink Cloud in Dalaam

And countless other smaller nuisances along the way. Has anyone ever seen a Tangoo? Look it up. It's freaking weird.

Equally weird (well....just look up a Tangoo) is, well, anything found once you get to the Lost Underworld. Think Journey to the Center of the Earth, but with more weird Moonmen and purple dinosaurs. So many purple dinosaurs. I got so tiny coming here, Ness' sprite being reduced to only a few pixels. Good. I was sick of lookin' at 'em anyway...

While speaking to a rock I figure out I'm almost finished collecting all of the song spots, missing only the Pink Cloud (leading me to the aforementioned Tangoo) in Dalaam and the Fire Spring here in the Underworld. So after ditching the Diamond dog and getting my thoughts read out loud by a wall I suddenly lost consciousness, waking to what can only be describe as full on, balls to the wall insanity.

Welcome to Magicant. I know I'm not (welcome, that is).

Murder and Mayhem

Yes. Today I played Earthbound. No, I didn't get far. 

Why? Because of these assholes.

These assholes, right here. 

Atomic Power Bot and the Starman Super. Both can go jump off the highest cliff in Eagleland, nay, the Universe.

I'm currently in the caverns under Stonehenge. I haven't found my way out yet because these assholes respawn if I so much as move slightly, reappearing when I move back. Earthbound's trademark seizure inducing battle screens aside, these two have done everything in their power to piss me off, and, I must say, they're doing a greeeeeeat job.

Even if I do manage to damage either one (which is becoming increasingly rare. I swear my party spends battles staring at the wonders that are their shoelaces), they both heal back anything and, here's the fun part: When I do manage to kill an Atomic Bot, he explodes! Hard enough to wipe out half my party! Every time!

With Jeff my lone survivor, I let the next batch of assholes kill me. Because it's Jeff, whats the point.

Soooooo to blow off a little steam I jumped over to Guild Wars 2 to finish my daily before the 7 o'clock reset. What's this? One of the achievements is 'ambient killer'? The achievement that allows, nay encourages, me to slaughter the innocent wildlife with white sprite names? Wildlife like...Bunnehs?!

"Why hello, bunnehs."

Kitty Pong

Sorry for my lack of posts, or pictures. I've been busy lately with a project long overdue: cleaning out the storage tubs in my spare room.

Now, I am doing this for two reasons. One, the last few times we've moved I've chucked all manner of nonsense in them, regardless of what it was or if we needed it. And two, because I need the extra room in that spare room to set up a studio. Ya know, for art and junk. But, never fear! I have been playing. Or rather I've been wandering...

Of the time I spent playing Earthbound today, I'd guess only about, oh, 20% of it was me actually accomplishing anything?

I basically spent the other 80% running in circles. Starting in the resort town of Summers, I knew I had to get into the Stoic Club, but I couldn't figure out how to get in. I eventually wandered into the museum, where a researcher mentioned he had no idea what the Fourside researcher was going on  about blah blah blah, so I took that as a hint and headed back to Fourside. The researcher there requests an autograph from Venus, the latest singer at the local theater since the Runaway Five...well, ran away. No big deal, I can get that. You want it on toilet paper? Weird bro but ok. But hey, while I'm at it I may as well watch a show, right?

Venus takes the stage alone, performing under a spot light. The music plays, and a strange silhouette passes in front of the stage, disappearing on the other side. When the shadow comes back I recognize him as the Fourside Museum researcher, doing his best impression of a creepy fanboy stalking the object of his fandom. He finally gets bold and rushes the stage, only to be tackled by two burly security guards and drug off the stage. Now THAT was a show worth paying for!

So I get Venus' autograph, not on toilet paper but on a banana peel! Off I head to the researcher, first checking the museum but knowing full well he might be in the police department. But it's at this point as I return to the museum I notice a pattern: In Summers they charged me five bucks a head to get to the museum. Then in Fourside I had to pay another ten a piece. At the concert hall I had to pay $30, then to deliver the package was another $15.

And what was my reward for my services? I get to crawl down a hole, wade through sewage, and fight a nasty rat! Yay me!

POKEYYYY!!!!!

I...*sigh*...I'm at a loss today, guys.

First off, some more grade-A parenting on behalf of Jeff's dad and Ness' mom. Jeff's dad was kind enough to point out that Jeff apparently still wets the bed in front of his friends (knowing this despite not seeing him for 10 years...) and Ness' mom hung up on him to go watch softcore cable porn. *sigh*

I guess I should go try and find my extra inventory space...I mean Paula...yeah, Paula. Anyway, this means going down the monkey hole, and I don't mean that figuratively (...*shutter*). Maze like already, the monkey cave has the added bonus of demanding little chimps who want...something. Some want hamburgers, others pizza. Regardless of what they want, I can't pass them until I hand it over. One wanted something called the King Banana, but lord knows what that was. I eventually fed enough monkeys to get to a kindly old floating  man, who gives me the yogurt machine the terrible deliveryman from Fourside failed to bring. Yeah yeah, that's cool and all, but he also teaches me how to teleport! Sweet! No more hour long trips back and forth between towns.

I get back to the surface and decide to give this teleport a whirl, so I select 'teleport' from my 'PP' menu, then choose 'Fourside' as my destination...then I promptly lurch forward, running headfirst into a rock. Well that's silly, I'm not so much teleporting as I am just running somewhere really fast...

Back at the Monotoli building the lady from the bar rips the yogurt machine from my hands, thanking me and running. Whatevs, not like I want trout flavored yogurt (the only flavor it's capable of making). With her permission I can now ride the elevator past the 47th floor, and straight to Mr. Monotoli's quarters.

Seems Mr. Monotoli's into robots. His models aren't bad, a bit weak, but then a small, wobbly robot sees me from across the room and decides "meh, I got this."

And, painful as it may be, it seemed for a while he was right. Despite spending most of his turns falling over or losing hardware, the Clumsy Robot still whooped my ass up the hallway and back. My PP attacks won't land, half of my physical attacks won't land, and in the mean time he slowly but surely whittles away at my health. So there I sit. Considering my next move. I am out of food. I am out of PP. I am almost out of health.

Then, the music changes.

Like the sound of a choir of crappy angels, the theme of the Runaway Five erupts into full crescendo. One of them sneaks around and flips the apparently very obvious 'off' switch on the back of the robot. Those kill-stealing bastards...

Grumbling to myself I open the door and confront the eviiiiiiiil Monotoli. Except he isn't evil. He's just stupid. He happily throws Paula back to me (yup, know how you feel, bro) and tells me I can have his helicopter if I don't murder him or something.

Except Pokey has stolen the helicopter.........*sigh*

Deflated by Inflation

Has anyone ever noticed the startling inflation plaguing Eagleland? When your father has to dump a couple grand in your account just you can afford that $20 burger meal or a couple hundred bucks for pizza delivery, you just know something went wrong. Knowing this game I half expect to wander into an unlocked house where the personified Eagleland economy lays, sprawled and unconscious, in a pile of it's own vomit.

Yes yes, economy, go home. You're drunk. 

"What do you mean 238 dollars?! That's robbery!!!"

Moonwel ot Cosidme!!

Welcome to Moonside

Wecomel to Soonmide

Moonwel ot Cosidme

Moonside. The strange alternate reality. The flip-side of the Fourside coin. This place is bananas.

Poking around the back of a seedy bar, I was suddenly transported to Moonside, a weird version of the town of Fourside where yes is no and the Governator teleports you around. I got lost, fast. With Ness and Jeff half dead and Paula missing, I stumbled through the headache inducing landscape, besieged by abstract artwork, melted clocks, and flames that threw bombs, after politely counting to three of course.

*poke poke* Hello!

This place was an example as to why you speak to EVERYONE you see (remember, this is alternate reality, where talking to strangers isn't just acceptable, its necessary!). Talk to one Governator, and he teleport to the next. Rinse and repeat, until the final AH-nold drops you off next to a creeper in a suit, who (presumably) knocks you out and drags you off to a house or something. There an invisible man joins you. Invisible, NOT silent. With the invisible mouth as my date the bouncer of the Monotoli building (aka the exit) finally decided I was cool enough and let me through to the boss...A giant statue!!!

Yup, it's the Mani Mani statue, bringer of madness and the brains behind the blue-brained cult back in Happy Happy town. And I get to smash it!

With the statue now in 2 or so pieces (maybe a few more than that...), Ness snapped out of his non-drug induced trip and leaves the store room he had spent the past three hours wandering around in, muttering to himself and walking in circles.

What was I doing again? Oh yeah, Paula...*wanders off, still swerving into things*

Crispy Cat

I am a gamer of a, shall we say, fragile temperament, and thus am particularly subject to what experts call 'Gamer Rage'.

The 'Gamer Rage', or GR, has a number of symptoms, such as irritability, sore throat (from screaming) and a sudden, temporary case of Tourette's syndrome. While the symptoms of GR often leave as quickly as they came, their effect can be felt for long after the patient has recovered. Broken controllers, smashed screens, and angry loved ones are often the unwitting victims when a gamer is overtaken by GR.

That said, I can't stand status effects. I simply can't. And yet I have encountered little else since I stepped foot in this damn sandbox. The enemies paralyze and poison me. Even the map itself is getting in on the action, causing sunstroke if I've strayed from the road for too long. Know what else I hate? Caves. Spelunking into the depths has resulted again and again in the same mess: Sunstroked and poisoned, I limp through the literal maze of paths trying to find the five mole bosses who need to die, like, now.

Now, I've only found two of these moles so far, but strangely both claimed to be the third strongest of the group..with a big number 3 behind them and everything. Insultingly both were chumps, resulting in a quick fight, and me dragging my half dead body back to the surface while screaming at my lack of &%@$ing wet towels.

I think I'm upsetting my cats. Their ears tend to be sensitive to high pitched noises, not unlike the shrill nonsense exploding out of me. I'll pick this back up later *crawls half dead back to Fourside*.

Ew ew eeeeewwwwwwww

*Sigh*

That was one of the most painfully frustrating boss fights I have been through...In a long, long time.

After waiting the obligatory three minutes at the waterfall, I entered Master Belch's lair. Several weird Fluff and Slime battles later I found the Belch himself. More of a pile of puke than a burp, Master Belch immediately blew his nasty breath right in my face, poisoning Ness. Yay continuous damage!! The ensuing battle quickly became a disgusting, nasty mess, both literally and figuratively.

I quickly blew through most of my power points, trying to pump as much damage as possible into the puke pile quickly. As I laid into him full force Belch summoned a bunch of weird little slimes that, besides burping in my face and blinding me, I didn't consider as much of a threat. Yet.

Unfortunately I was wrong. With all three of my idiot triplets blind and completely out of PP, The fight went from actiony to a slow, sludgy mess. I was only able to make contact with Belch every five or so tries, while he gorged himself on the fly honey I handed him rather than attack me. This alone would make for a slow, frustrating battle, but it would be a battle I could easily win. Then his little slime friends decided they wanted to play too.

Where before they did nothing but burp and puke on me, trying to cause status effects I was already suffering from, they suddenly started doing damage. Alot of damage, considering at this point I literally had no healing capability. Paula died. Then Jeff. Ness finally manned up and stopped taking Nausea damage, but he too was quickly succumbing to the slime's attacks, which mercifully and annoyingly only came every couple of turns. Blind and near dead, I finally killed Belch.

A Pepto bath and one cup of roofied coffee later, I was back on the road...To adventure!!!

BOING!

I retract my original opinion of Ness's and Paula's respective parents being the worst parents in the history of parenting. Instead that prestigious award goes to Jeff's dad!!!

Upon stumbling into his laboratory in the middle of the frozen wilderness, this strange man takes a few seconds to notice that hey, this kid is the thing what I made that one time, then shipped to boarding school.

"Hey....son!! Whats it been....10 years? Yeah, sounds about right...You're looking...healthy? Yeah. Want a donut? You do? I don't actually have any. I'd like one, though...Whelp, that's enough father-son bonding for now. Go use that spaceship collecting dust in the corner and go do that...thing you were going to do. See you in 10 more years!!!"

After crash landing on the WRONG side of the locked door to save Ness and Paula and picking said lock, the trio return to the earth's surface and continue searching out clues to progress in their Great Quest. Not really finding anything other than ghosts, bugs, and trick-or-treaters (because...why?), I loop around the lower part of the city, where suddenly TENT ATTACK.

Yes, I then found myself gripped in frantic combat with a giant circus tent. Why a circus tent? Iunno.

Tent dead, I receive a phone call from the Apple Kid, neat freak and inventor extraordinaire (not really, his inventions usually suck) calling to tell me of HIS GREATEST INVENTION TO DATE: Zombie paper!! Whats zombie paper? It's like fly paper, but for zombies! Obviously!!

And since trapping zombies to the floor of a giant circus tent is more effective than just killing them (my initial idea), the two zombies blocking my way forward were gone and I was then free to face BELCH, leader of the zombies!!

But Belch wasn't there. Instead I fought his little brother, or whatever, Mini Barf. Far from a difficult fight, he mostly just burped alot, making the Terrible Trio cry and thus blinding them.

Ah Mr. Saturn. What adorable, fleshy blobs you all are. None of you are weird or creepy in any way...I'll just...be on my way...*shudder*.

Right now I am stuck behind a waterfall, unable to provide the proper password to enter and thus face Belch. I know one of those Saturn guys told me the password, but for some reason I can't say or enter anything. What did the Mr Saturn say..."Something something Belch guy....Something password...Then wait three minutes..."

Oh damn it. *Turns game back on*

I'll never forget you, cookie...

Bubble Monkey!

I can't figure out if Eagleland is home to the most honest and trusting citizens or the most gullible.

Made of water, snow is another of the
Geeky Cat's sworn enemies.

Picking up from the potential amber alert that was my ride to the town of Threed I noticed that I had walked more or less into Halloweentown. The place is dark, colored in purples and blues, and the people of the town are in varying states of shock and fear from the undead problem running rampant. Zombies, ghosts, and some nasty guy that, despite being hidden down a 'secret' tunnel guarded by zombies, everyone seems to know about. 

Oh snap, I've been kidnapped!!! That hooker and her zombies kidnapped me!!!

I headed to the local hotel, as zombie smashing can really take it out of you, and quickly noticed a Lady of the Evening acting all suspicious, walking into the hotel as I approach. I figure out rather quickly that I'm meant to follow her, then she knocks me out and stuffs me in a locked cell god knows where. What a bitch...

Paula, being the manipulative-I mean destiny spewing companion that she is, starts yelling into the darkness for some poor sap named Jeff to 'come save us, then the wooooooooooorld'.

Far far away in the snowy....somewhere? Mountains? It's cold. I am now Jeff: schoolboy and inventor (or something, tools are involved) who must break out of his boarding school and travel the frozen wilderness because some girl hes never met told him to in a dream. Seriously, Jeff, there are other ways to get a girlfriend.....

At least i have a pet monkey...who can't hold any inventory items or pay attention in a fight....*sigh*

"Fuzzy Pick-" NO! NO PICTURES!

If I were to say one thing, and one thing only about Earthbound, it's that the adults of Eagleland are wildly irresponsible, each and every one.

Yes that sounds like such a minor, almost childish gripe, but man I can't stop noticing it. It's everywhere. Dangerous meteorite landed, resulting in a heavy police presence? Sure my completely underage son! Just go ahead and run outside in the middle of the night, I'm sure nothing will hurt and/or kidnap you. Oh, you now have to leave home and save the world cause a bug told you to? Good luck!!

Oh, you want to run over to the neighboring town? Sure, but you have to FIGHT COPS first, in the police station no less! I can't even wrap my head around that level of stupid...Seriously, I haven't seen parenting or even adulting done this poorly since the early Pokemon games (ARE YOU A BOY OR A GIRL!?!?!).

That all being said, I am amazed by how quickly I was sucked into this game. Blah blah clever writing blah blah amazing music blah blah, so far it's been everything the fanboy collective claimed. Aesthetics aside, so far it's the game's mechanics that have impressed me more than anything. Rather than waste my time on an enemy far weaker than me, the game completely skips the battle and just awards me the xp. When I buy a new piece of gear superior to what I'm already packing, the clerk straight up offers to take it off my hands (he pays!). Earthbound also has a subtle hint of realism despite it's cartoonish appearance, a fact I find both charming and infuriatingly evil.

So, I breeze past the first town, appropriately (I guess?) called Onette, and after kicking cop-keister I head to Twoson. The open road is a dangerous place, especially for a child...a fact completely lost on everybody, so naturally I get sucker-punched by a walking mushroom. Because, you know, danger. Whatever, I just have a new hat for a while. I'll just head to town and...hey...I told you to go right, why are you going left...now you're going up? NOOOOOOO MY BRAIN BROKE!! My sweet new mushroom hat dug it's roots into my brain and broke it!! Must...get...to...hospital...Go in, no IN, go in the hospital you brain dead idiot! OK I'm in-why did you just walk back out? And of course the doctor doesn't treat brain-shrooms! A few coronaries later I finally figure out it isn't the drugstore (which would make sense) or the doctor (which would make more sense)  who can fix me, but rather the funny looking, shady guy in the hospital with the bad hair. He's magic, or something. Iunno, he got a head-shroom and I got money.

In their continuing theme of outright bizarre behavior, the townspeople inform me that (despite not having the foggiest clue who I am) that I must go fine Paula because...reasons. Through a cave and another bout of fungus brain later, I'm in the happy town of...Happy Happy Town! Of course this level of happy can only have one explanation: Cult. Evil cult, that is. And blue. An evil, blue cult. Evil, blue, but not smart since they went ahead and told me not only who they kidnapped (the girl I'm looking for), but where she is and all that fun stuff. Upon finding Paula she informs me we are destined to saaaaaaaaaaaave the wooooooooooorld, but she can't exactly help from a cell. I am once again left to mull over these people's strange desire to over share just everything with everyone, continuing this thought as I beat the crazy out of the evil blue cult's Grand Bluebah.

Wouldn't you know it, Paula's dad was also missing a few pages from his How to be a Parent handbook, happily sending his freshly kidnapped-then-rescued daughter with a complete (and armed, might I add) stranger.

Lets just hop in this old black van with these washed-up middle-aged men and see where it leads! No such thing as Stranger Danger when you're a hero!

*Plays for two more minutes* What? it didn't lead to our gruesome deaths?...huh, color me surprised....